


Which Witch

by fiveainley_ohmy



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Crack, Gen, Monty Python, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 03:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3275390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveainley_ohmy/pseuds/fiveainley_ohmy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor uses Monty Python tactics to get the Master out of a sticky situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Which Witch

**Author's Note:**

> Conspired with Vera (fayegreener) on Tumblr.

The tall skinny brunette man in the long coat pushed through the rowdy queue and waltzed up to the stage, smug as you please. "Well, hard to tell which witch is which around here!"

The man on trial, tied a stake and dressed in ratty brown robes with a carrot tied to his nose, glared down at the Doctor. "Are you _quite_ finished?" the Master hissed.

"Oh, no, in fact, I think I might go on for quite a _spell_." The Doctor grinned cheekily and leaned on one of the burning platform's legs.

"If you haven't noticed, my dear Doctor, they're about to _burn me at the stake_!"

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire for you, isn't it?"

" _Doctor_!"

"Well, it's your own fault, Master. I warned you about anachronisms-which is really quite shameful for a Time Lord your age-but no, you just had to go about, waving that laser screwdriver around, blasting things to bits; what were the inhabitants of 17th century Salem, Oregon _supposed_ to think of you?"

"Doctor, we have about thirty seconds before they light this stake on fire, and we both know I can't very well regenerate if my DNA's been razed to ashes! So unless you want to be the last of Time Lords all by yourself again, I suggest you-"

"Alright, alright, let me think." The Doctor calmly crossed his arms, rest his chin on his fist, and made a pensive face.

The Master looked to his left. A man with a torch was walking onto the platform. "Doctor," the Master hissed.

"Hold on, hold on," the Doctor waved him off.

The executioner lit the end of the torch on fire, and the crowd cheered. "Doctor!" the Master cried desperately, wriggling against his bonds.

"Oh, alright. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen!" the Doctor called, running up onstage. "Before you burn this hideous wretch-"

"I'm going to kill you."

"-let me ask you this: how do you know he's a witch?"

The crowd looked at each other. "'E looks like one!" one shouted, and the crowd raucously agreed.

"But they dressed me up like this!" the Master complained. "And they threw my nice suit down a well!"

"Well, then, there you have it," said the Doctor, shrugging.

"But he is a witch!" shouted the same man, and everyone shouted their agreement.

"What makes you think he's a witch?" the Doctor asked.

The crowd was quiet. "He turned me into a newt!" someone shouted. The Doctor looked at the obviously human man with skepticism. The man looked awkward. "I-I got better."

"Burn him anyway!" "Yeah, burn him!" "Witch!" the crowd called.

"Shut up, shut up!" the Doctor shouted. "Now look, there's a very simple way to find out if he's a witch."

"What are you doing?" the Master seethed through his teeth.

"Tell me, what do you do with witches?" the Doctor asked.

"Burn 'em!" the crowd yelled collectively.

"And what do you burn _apart_ from witches?"

"More witches!"

"No, no, no, _wood_ , you burn _wood_ , right? Okay, so obviously, witches burn and so does wood. So witches must be made out of..." The Doctor beckoned to the audience to finish.

"Wood?" someone spoke up.

"I'm going to die," the Master said.

"Exactly, wood, _molto bene_! So, how can you tell he's made out of wood?"

The crowd was blank.

"Well, what does wood do if you put it in water?" the Doctor asked.

"It floats! It floats!" the audience cried.

"Yes!" said the Doctor.

"Let's throw 'im into the pond!" someone shouted, and the crowd cheered.

"Now, now, wait, just wait. What _else_ floats in water?" the Doctor prompted.

The crowd didn't know.

"I'll give you a hint." The Doctor imitated flapping wings and quacked.

"Ducks! A duck!" the crowd called.

"Do you actually have a plan, or are you really just an idiot?" the Master said.

"So if he weighs the same as a duck," said the Doctor, "than he must be a witch!"

The crowd cheered. They untied the Master from the stick, though his hands were still bound, and carried him to the scales where they compared him and a duck. Of course, the Master weighed more than the duck. "There we are! Not a witch!" the Doctor proclaimed.

"I s'pose yer free ta go," said the executioner.

"Thank you very little," said the Master, standing up from the scales. The Doctor produced his sonic screwdriver and undid the Master's ropes.

"Oi! Look! He's got a magic wand!" someone in the crowd shouted.

" _Wiiiiiiiiiitch! Get him!_ "

The Doctor looked at the Master. "Uh oh."

"Run!" The Master grabbed the Doctor's hand and they took off for the TARDIS.


End file.
